The Ice Age Manifesto

When I was a child, winter in Christchurch was walking to school across a hard frost, grass crunching under my feet, and a clear blue sky above.  We've just had one of the warmest, wettest Julys on record.  It doesn't need to be this way.

Early humans spread out through a world in the grip of an ice age, a world colder and drier than the world we inhabit today.  We wore furs, carried horm sceptres, and stalked aurochsen across the steepe.  But we seem to be putting a lot of work into creating a much less pleasant world, a world of constant flooding and oceans full of jellyfish. 

In an effort to stop this future from coming about, and to return us to the glorious past, I am announcing the formation of the Dryas Society*

Our methods may include, but shall not be limited to:

Black magic

Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.  But how? Maybe bullroarers? They've been used for weather control all over the world, and were sacred to Dionysus.  We should also make magical attacks on the proximate causes of global warming: capitalism and productivism; but the sun should be the first target.

Carbon capture and storage

I've done some back of the envelope calculations, and if we stop emitting CO₂ now, and started converted 5% of global agricultural output into stable bio-plastics which we buried in a kind of reverse coal mining, a New Carboniferous, we could be back to pre-industrial CO₂ levels in only 400 years.  5% should fit easily within the wastage of a robust food system, if we can direct waste streams efficiently we might even be able to knock a 100 years off that

Precursor terraforming drones

Not the Juffo-Wup kind, obviously, but there have got to be other sorts.  Let's get some archeologists out there exploring the stars

Propagande par le fait

We must be the change we wish to see in the world, if we live as if we were already in an ice age, and show people how great it could be.  So eliminate carbon emmissions where possible, and travel long distances by foot — I'm not suggesting this to do away with technology, but to do away with the modern obsession with speed.  Wear furs and shell beads, or at the very least create biodegradable high performance materials.  And finally, stalk the local mega-fauna across the local equivalent of the steppe, which brings me to my next point

Direct action barbecues to reduce the national dairy herd

We all know that the cattle are one of Aotearoa's greatest sources of carbon emissions, but the powerful farming lobby just keep on with the predatory delay.  Now, the government may not be able to tackle the size of the dairy herd, but delicious direct action may be able to make a start.

Attacking car dominance

The other big contributor to carbon emissions is, of course, the transport sector.  The Tyre Extinguishers are doing excellent work in this arena

Rewilding

Some people suggest that rewilding might protect us from climate change.  Some even suggest that we should restore the mammoth steppe.  That may or may not work, but when you get down to it, this whole project is ecosystem engineering.  More locally, perhaps rhea could be introduced to fill the moa's niche, I understand some species are forest dwellers.

Introgression of Neanderthal DNA into modern humans

It's not enough to change the world, we must also change ourselves

* Not a cult